Some questions take years to form. This one was worth every single one of them.
I grew up going to church.
I was raised in a Pentecostal church, and from the outside it looked like I had every reason to feel grounded in my faith. I knew the songs. I knew when to stand and when to sit. I knew how to behave in church spaces.
But there were long seasons in my teenage years and into young adulthood when I drifted far away. So far that I genuinely questioned whether God was even real. Later, after walking through a heartbreaking divorce, I recommitted my life to God. But something was different this time.
I did not just want to know about God. I wanted to experience His healing.
That decision marked the beginning of a journey that started more than fifteen years ago and has quietly changed absolutely everything.
Praying the Lord’s Prayer and Realizing I Did Not Know What the Kingdom of God Was
Early in my healing journey, I began praying the Lord’s Prayer almost every day. Quietly. Consistently. Honestly. And one line kept rising up and stopping me every single time.
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
I remember sitting with those words and thinking, why am I praying about a kingdom I do not actually understand?
I had language for church. I had language for rules. I had language for right behavior.
But I did not have language for the Kingdom of God. And as I began reading the New Testament for myself, something became impossible to ignore. Jesus talked about the Kingdom constantly. He did not just mention it occasionally. He taught it, preached it, and demonstrated it in nearly everything He did. The Kingdom of God was the heartbeat of His entire ministry.
That realization cracked something open in me. It stirred questions I had never felt safe enough to ask before.
When Faith Becomes About Rules Instead of Life
Looking back now, I can see patterns I could not see when I was living inside them.
Most of the churches I attended taught that drinking alcohol was a sin. Others said it was completely fine. There were strong opinions about what women should wear, and even stronger opinions about what women should do. That second part was especially confusing for me.
I had always been comfortable in leadership. I had built a successful career. Leading felt natural and life giving. But when I stepped into church spaces, that same quality was often viewed as being out of order. Women were not leaders in many of the churches I attended, and I spent years quietly wondering what that meant about me.
Then there were rules about television. Music. Dancing. All of it. And I kept circling back to the same quiet question. Is this actually from Jesus? Is this what the Kingdom of God is?
Eventually I reached a conclusion that felt both simple and enormous at the same time.
These were not Kingdom principles. They were church rules. And there is a difference.
The Bible Verse That Finally Answered My Question
Then one day, reading through the book of Romans, I came across a verse that stopped me completely.
“For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” Romans 14:17 NKJV
Another translation puts it this way:
“For the kingdom of God is not a matter of rules about food and drink, but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”
That verse landed in my spirit with real weight.
If the Kingdom of God is not about managing external behavior, not about rules, not about the constant keeping of score, then no wonder I had felt so weighed down for so long. I had been carrying something that was never meant to be the point.
Righteousness, Peace, and Joy Without Performance
This verse wrecked me in the best possible way, because it spoke directly to something I had already begun uncovering on my healing journey.
I grew up in performance based love. Approval felt conditional. Love felt earned. And without ever fully realizing it, I had gravitated toward church environments that reinforced that exact same dynamic.
In those spaces, righteousness felt like something you worked for. Something you proved. Something you maintained through your own effort and discipline. But here is what I began to understand. Righteousness in the Kingdom of God is not something you earn. It is right standing with God as your Father, received through faith in Jesus Christ, not achieved through performance.
That truth began to heal me at a soul level.
When righteousness stopped being about performance, peace followed. And joy, real and lasting joy, began to grow in places inside me that had been quiet for a very long time.
I had language for church. But I finally had language for the Kingdom of God. And it changed everything.
Seek First the Kingdom of God — But What Are We Actually Seeking?
Around this same season, a verse I had heard my entire life began to sound completely different.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Matthew 6:33
I had heard those words a hundred times.
But now I had a new question sitting underneath them.
How are we supposed to seek the Kingdom of God if we do not understand what the Kingdom of God actually is?
For years, and I think for many people sitting in churches right now, the assumption is that seeking the Kingdom simply means going to church. Serving. Attending. Showing up. But the church system is not the Kingdom of God. They are connected, yes. But they are not the same thing.
The Kingdom of God is God’s rule and reign in the earth, breaking into everyday life through people who are walking in righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. The church is meant to reflect the Kingdom and carry it into the world. It was never meant to replace it or reduce it to a set of rules.
That distinction became one of the most important turning points in my entire faith journey.
Keep Reading, Friend
Worship with Your Family, How to Make Space for God in Your Everyday Life
7 Ways We’re Building a Stronger Family Bond
Why This Question Matters More Than You Might Think
This conversation is not about criticizing the Church. I want to say that clearly and mean it. The Church is the body of Christ and it is beautiful when it is functioning in its true purpose.
This is about going deeper. It is about returning to what Jesus actually emphasized, what He actually taught, and how that understanding brings healing, clarity, and genuine freedom into everyday life.
For me, learning what the Kingdom of God actually is did not make my faith smaller or simpler. It made it come alive in ways I had stopped believing were possible.
In the next post, we are going to explore what Jesus actually meant when He talked about the Kingdom of God and why understanding it changes how we live, how we heal, and how we relate to God every single day.
Because once you begin to see the Kingdom, you may realize it is exactly what you have been longing for all along.
XO,
